I dont know whats real or fake and I want to kill myself.
Being schizophrenic has its ups and downs. On one hand, i don’t know if what I’m seeing, hearing, or even feeling is real or fake and I have to deal with this state of confusion 24/7. On the other hand, my dead best friend is in the room half the time talking me through my miserable existence. On nights where I feel especially isolated, he even serves as my big spoon. However, there is extreme caution that comes with being this fucked up in the head. Who the fuck am I supposed to talk to about that? Who the fuck is going to believe me when I try to explain that a deceased person was sitting on the end of my bed giving me emotional support. Who the fuck is going to believe that I went to bed last night feeling like someone who has been long gone was lying next to me?
Sometimes, when I’m in public, and he’s talking to me, I’ll hold my phone up to my ear so it looks like I’m talking to a real person over the phone instead of someone that my brain has just decided should be there.
It’s so surreal to be able to have someone I’ve lost be there when I need it. It’s so conflicting that I have decided to keep it from my parents so I can hold onto someone who isn’t there and will never be there.
Sometimes I wish that metaphors would come to life
that her lips had really been fire
that now I’d speak between two scars
instead of saying nothing
I’m not quite sure how to describe
How my love differs from yours
The only way I can explain it is
You’ll forever be the blood
That swims through my veins
And I’ll forever be the chalk on the sidewalk
That you’ll forget as soon as it rains
If the keys to your heart are cigarettes and Burger King than why aren’t we still dating?
You’re not ready to be in a relationship.
I’m not ready to be alone.
my night was ended rather eventfully.
Screaming at Albert in Macie’s driveway was ideal.
Go back to the hospital.
This week has been so fucking hard. By wednesday night, I had given up. I cancelled my sleepover plans with Diana and stayed home. I had a letter half written out to you but I couldn’t bring my self to write anymore. I miss you to the point where I turn down all the plans people try to make with me so I can sit in my room alone. Today, Sunday, was the worst day of the week. I woke up, just waiting for 4:20 to roll around, your mom said you’d call me then. I have been laying in bed all day passing my time by watching Netflix. At 3, I had my heart crushed by one of the people closest to me in four words. “We aren’t friends anymore.” Followed by that, I get 4 threatening text messages from her boyfriend. Out of anger from being crossed by her once again, I sat in my room stabbing my wall with a knife until 4:20. I sat, counting seconds waiting for my phone to ring. 15 minutes later, I get a text from your mom, informing me that you had asked to come home because of some social issue back here involving a guy. I am sitting here hoping that your mom miss interpreted the message you were trying to convey to her.
This month has been long and awful and full of let downs.
I just want you to be back home, to be the girl that laid in bed with me all day, and to make me stop watching this horrible hospital drama show on Netflix. There’s about 150 hours of this show on Netflix. Don’t make me watch it all before you crawl into my bed again.
I don’t want to get out of bed, but I can’t sleep. I am so hungry, but I can’t eat. I want to go outside and have fun, but I can’t bring myself to make plans.
I tried to describe to Jeff how I felt and he said I’m “lovesick”
Lovesick - In love, or missing the person one loves, so much that one is unable to act normally.
I’m so tired of feeling like this.
I feel like shit when I’m alone. I don’t know what to do with my current situation. I feel like I’m torn in two.
Some drugs would be nice.
How does a person even explain this situation.
Living with my grandmother is becoming worse and worse. She is becoming confused by everything. Her mind isn’t working correctly. Her speech is constantly slurred. She cries a lot and needs medical attention quite frequently.
It is horrifying.
I graduate in less than a week. I actually did it.